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Wedding Speech Survival Guide: From Total Bomb to Best Moment of the Night

The brutal truth about wedding speeches (Don’t Be the Reason Everyone Remembers the Wrong Thing)

 

Let’s be real...
No one’s replaying the moment the salmon was served.
Nobody gives a toss about your centrepieces.

But that speech? Oh, they’ll remember that.
For better... or spectacularly worse.

 

I’ve heard hundreds of them…

 

Some absolute belters that had the room roaring or wiping tears.
And then there’s the others...
The ones that made guests shift in their seats, stare at their wine, and whisper “What the fuck is happening right now!?!?”

 

 

Can you wing it?
Sure, if your goal is to crash and burn harder than Uncle Pete after his sixth prosecco.

 

You’d have a better shot freestyle rapping your vows... in front of Nana... whilst holding a screaming baby goat..

 

Because when you bomb that speech, you don’t just go down alone.
You drag the vibe with you.

So let’s not do that.

This is your cheat sheet.

To own the moment, not ruin it.

 

There’s a reason wedding speeches either go down in flames or… 

 

Become LEGENDARY!

 

So, let’s break it down…

 

 

💣 The Top 5 Ways Speeches Crash & Burn

 

1. Too Long, Didn’t Laugh

 

You had one job:

 

   🎯 Get in. Say something sweet. Be funny. Sit down.

 

But instead… You read your speech like it was a eulogy.
12 minutes in. Still no laughs.
Guests are eyeing the prosecco… others the hard liquor.

 

🔥 Tip: Aim for 3–5 minutes MAX.

You’re not accepting an Oscar.

 

2. Inside Jokes No One Gets

 

“That time in Ibiza with Clive and the goat…”

 

You’re crying with laughter.
The room? Dead. Silent.

 

🔥 Tip: Write for the crowd, not your WhatsApp group.

 

 

3. Trying Too Hard to Be Funny

 

It’s not a stand-up set. It’s a wedding.

No, the groom doesn’t want a slideshow of his teenage chin acne.
And no, Nan doesn’t need to hear about strip clubs.

 

🔥 Tip: Keep it cheeky, not cringey.
Think best-mate-at-the-pub energy... Not open mic night.

 

4. Reading Off Your Phone Like It's a Tesco List

 

Look up. Just once.

There’s nothing worse than someone nervously scrolling,
mumbling like they’re ordering a pizza.

 

🔥 Tip: Print it out. Use a big font.
Practice until you’re not glued to the screen.

 

 

5. Forgetting Who the F*ck You're Talking To

 

Swearing like you're with the lads…
Or sharing way too much about how you met your wife
(Yes, we’ve heard the Tinder horror stories).

 

🔥 Tip: Read the room.
If Nan’s there, chill with the filth.

 

6. Zero Emotion. All Robot.

 

Some speeches sound like someone just read ChatGPT out loud.
No passion. No vibe. Just… flat delivery. A slow death.

 

🔥 Tip: Speak from the gut.
Show you give a sh*t. Even if you’re nervous, honesty always wins.

 

 

👏 What Actually Hits Hard 

 

If you want the room hanging on your every word, not checking their phones or praying for the bar, here’s the playbook:

 

🔥 Start With a Story Dump

 

Before you write a single word, dump everything.

Every inside joke, every unforgettable night out,

every “remember when…” moment.

 

Don’t filter. Don’t worry if it’s good yet.
Just spew it all onto a page.

That’s the gold you’ll polish later.

 

💡 Pro Tip: Ask mutual mates for their funniest memories too...

Some of the best stuff lives in their heads, not yours.

 

✍️ Use the P.R.E.P. Formula

 

When you wanna make a point?

This is how you deliver it like a pro:

 

Point –> “Greg’s the most loyal bloke I know.”
 

Reason –> “Because no matter what, he shows up—always has.”
 

Example –> “When my car broke down at 2am in Leeds, guess who showed up in his dressing gown with a tow rope?”
 

Point again –> “That’s the kinda man Laura’s marrying. Solid. Reliable. The real deal.”
 

Boom. Now you’re not just saying things. You’re proving them.

 

 

🎯 Nail the Opening

 

Your first 30 seconds = everything.

Don’t start with clichés or waffle. Grab attention.

 

Try:

“Right… I was told not to swear, not to cry, and not to mention Magaluf 2014. I’ll fail at all three.”
 

“Most people here know me as Greg’s mate. But today, I’m his hype man.”
 

Make it fun. Make it YOU.

 

🥂 The Ending’s Easy

 

You don’t need to stress about the ending. Why?

Because the final move is simple: raise a glass.

 

Just don’t fumble it. Lead with something like:

 

“To a life of laughter, loyalty and love. To Greg and Laura!”

 

Short, sharp, heartfelt. Job done.

 

 

🤝 Everyone’s On Your Side

 

This room? They want you to win.
Nobody's hoping you flop.

They're hoping you're going to smash it...

And maybe give them a tear or a belly laugh.

 

So own it.

Breathe.

Smile.

 

Take a second before you speak.

 

🕵️‍♂️ Know Your Crowd

 

Read the room. Do your recon.

Who’s in the audience? Nan? Kids? The work lot?

What’s the vibe of the couple? Do they want sweet, wild, deep, hilarious?

 

Get the tone right and you’ll come across like a legend.
Miss it—and you’re just “the guy who said bum jokes in front of Grandma.”

 

🎤 Want to Nail Your Speech Without Sh*tting Yourself?

 

Greg’s got your back.

Whether you’re the groom, best man, or just terrified of public speaking…

 

He now offers 1-on-1 Wedding Speech Coaching

You bring the stories. He helps you turn them into a crowd-pleaser, with swagger.

 

🧠 Structure that flows
😂 Comedy without cringe
💪 Confidence without stage fright
 

🎯 1-3 sessions. Simple. Powerful. You’ll thank yourself later.

 

 

💥 Why a Magician + Speech = GOAT Combo

 

Here’s the thing.
People remember moments.
So imagine this:

 

You finish your speech… crowd claps… drinks flow…
Then BOOM! Greg walks up, steals someone’s watch without them noticing, and suddenly everyone’s talking about your wedding for the next 5 years.

 

Magic + Mic Drop = 🐐 Wedding Combo.

 

🚀 Wanna Get This Right?

 

📅 Dates for 2025 are already filling up.

 

🕵️‍♂️ Book Greg for:

 

Wedding Speech Coaching
 

Close-Up Magic
 

Total Guest Mayhem (in the best way)
 

🎯 www.gregholroyd.co.uk
📩 Drop a message and let’s make your day unforgettable.